January,

I made myself an email address because I thought maybe that would be the best way for us to communicate. I know it's probably going to be strange to receive this from me, but since we're finding it difficult to connect directly... in the same brain... I get that you don't want to talk to me, but hopefully you'll read this and hear me out.

First of all, I want to say that I'm sorry. I'm very sorry that this is happening to you. I can make a wild guess as to how weird and warped this makes you feel. It's nuts! And I'll be the first to say that you have the shorter end of the stick. It's weird for me, too. Anyone should feel wrong inhabiting another human's body, and I do feel wrong, but even now I'm nothing but grateful.

So that's my second point. I wanted to thank you. Thank you for sharing your body with me. I know it's not by choice. I know you would throw me out and feed me to the wolves if you had a chance. That's okay! I completely understand that and I would never fault you for it. If the roles were reversed, I would probably feel the same as you because we all have our lives to live and we should all be the ones in control of that. It's why I'll keep thanking you over and over again because I want you to know that I will not take your body for granted. I won't take any more of your time than is necessary. I never want to disrespect you or dishonor you.

This leads me to my third point... I will never be able to apologize enough for what happened last month. I wasn't able to access your thoughts or memories when I came into full consciousness. I didn't think about your child when I left your home. That's something I will always regret. I will try to make up for it to show you I'm not a bad person, that I want to keep your best interest in mind, and that I want to earn your trust. If it is at all possible, please forgive me. I will go above and behind to make sure that your son is taken care of in the future. This is the one time I'll swear on my mother's grave, because I really want you to know that I mean it.

Fourthly, I don't want to fight you. I'm not going to argue with you unless it's something that really needs my attention. I'm grateful enough for this 'second chance' that I'm happy to sit off to the side. You're an incredibly strong and powerful woman, that's obvious to anyone who looks at you! I'm not above admitting that in some ways I'm not sure I'm fully matched for such a constant battle of the minds. Neither of us wants that. It wastes too much energy. And right now you need all the energy you can get.

That's right. My fifth point is that I know now that you're sick. I didn't catch onto that last time, you blocked me out enough that I didn't see it. I should've noticed the signs, but to be fair... I was mostly focusing on being alive and in a body that weighed over 90 pounds. So I want you to know that I understand where you're coming from. I understand cancer all too well. I understand the need to keep moving forward. I get that you don't want to stop your momentum, I do. I think for both of us we fear that if we stop then we'll lose parts of ourselves that we won't be able to pick up again. I'm not here to say it's easy or that it'll get better, because frankly I'm not sure if it will. Cancer is a greedy bitch like that. But the advice that I can say is that surrounding yourself with family and friends is the best thing that you can do. You seem so isolated and alone, is that on purpose? You have your parents, you have your cousin, and your best friend, but what about the others? I can tell you from my own experience that those men in your life would be a great support system. If they're anything like the ones that I know, they're pretty damn wonderful. I hope you can learn to trust them at some point. Or maybe it's yourself you need to learn to trust?

I digress. I'm not trying to be preachy. Bottom line is: I'm not a threat. I'm not out to take over. I'm grateful for any time that I have. There will be moments I need to take the helm and I'm sorry in advance for that, but I hope that you can understand my motivations. I rarely do these things for myself, it's all for something bigger than either of us can fully comprehend. I'll try to keep it to a minimum because I respect you, I'm here for you, and I'm really honored that whoever did this to us connected me to you.

Be good to yourself, January.

Sincerely,
Jane